My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My life is pants optional.
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