On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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