Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
