Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
