my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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