your thong is hanging out like whoa
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
