I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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