I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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