stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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