I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
