Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
