Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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