I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
