??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
