Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
