Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
