please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
