possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
