You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I think my moral compass just broke
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