hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
