my mouth tastes like poor choices
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
