I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
