I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
