Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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