Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
