UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
