the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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