I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Jerry, you need to find god
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
