remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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