Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
