Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
