Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
