his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
