P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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