I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
