Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
