You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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