I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
