I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
