nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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