Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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