Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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