My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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