I met the friendliest cop last night
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
