Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Please don't give away my fajitas
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
