The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
