All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
