Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
