am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
