We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
